so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
this boner is exhausting
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
