Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
