Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
