Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
