Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
