my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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