Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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