Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
