God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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