Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
