True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
