you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
