so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
