I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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