Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
