Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
