why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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