i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
