You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
