he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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