I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
