I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
