in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
