i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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