Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Ketchup is God's man juice
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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