i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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