I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
