my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
