oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Dicks are not precious.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
