your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
