we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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