Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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