Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
