the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
