i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
