I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
