everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
