He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
