i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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