I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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