Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
