Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
