You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
