the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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