Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
