i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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