is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
