never play flip cup with pint glasses
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
