Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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