I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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