i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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