He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
