did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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