is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
