Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
