he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
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We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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