I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My liver just had a heart attack.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
