And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
