apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
