he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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