Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
