True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Will exercising make me less horny?
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