I hate your face
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
