I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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